Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
