I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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