Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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