Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
