o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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