is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Randomize
