Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
