its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
