based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Randomize
