C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
