every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
