im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
