i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
