As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
