Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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