I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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