After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
