No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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