You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
