i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
it glows. i had to have it.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Randomize
