Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
