I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
