I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
