if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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