so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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