threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
