i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Are my feet made of real feet?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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