If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
