Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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