My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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