I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
