This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize