Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
