i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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