I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Randomize
