Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
you traded sex for a burrito?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
