when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
