My nipple is on Facebook.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
