If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
