Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize