I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
