fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
