Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
