and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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