It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
