The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
