You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
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