I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
