my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
