the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
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