its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize