i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Randomize
