he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
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