I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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