Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
