I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
