Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
