I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
