Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
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