Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
