five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Randomize
