i wish there were pregnant emoticons
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
that is very illegal...i love you.
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